It’s that time of year where a bunch of folks are getting
married and I get invited to a bunch of bridal showers and girl-times. And as a
person who has been around the block, relationship-wise, I often get asked for
nuggets of wisdom on how to navigate life as part of a couple. And for those
folks who got terribly bitter and cynical nuggets of wisdom from me over the
past few years, again I’m so sorry. Asking for relationship advice from a
person whose life is falling apart is like asking for a band-aid for your
papercut from someone who is still bleeding from losing their arm. So, yeah. I’ve
not been particularly helpful and if I’ve been quiet during these bridal
events, just be glad that I wasn’t offering suggestions.
My first instinct is still to put such “advice” in the
negative, and since I've got a bridal party this upcoming weekend, I've been
thinking of how to put it in a positive way. Here’s what I've got so far:
- Know your limits. Some things you can (and will need to) live with in a relationship. Other things, you can’t. Don’t try to talk yourself into those things that you can’t live with. There is a difference between being picky and running into a deal-breaker. And talking yourself into ignoring a deal-breaker is offending to the relationship and is terribly offensive to your own self. The consequences will catch up to you and the lack of respect for your partner and for yourself will be huge.
- You will “what if” about other people. It’s normal and natural and absolutely doesn't mean anything. Try this: open a random catalog and look at one page until there is something shown that you really want. To want things is to be alive. You lived without that thing before you opened the catalog and being attracted to someone cute is the exact same thing. It’s the eternal “want!” So. Before you wreck everything you have with someone, ask yourself if this “want” you are feeling for someone else is really something important, or if you just flipped to that page in a catalog. Not all wanting is important, nor does it always mean something.
- Relationships are work (true) but there should also be some fun (also true). If you are struggling non-stop to make things work, it might be that things just aren't going to work out. To fundamentally change who you are to fit in a relationship isn't right. Just like how Cinderella’s sister chopped off her toes to fit in the glass slipper, you need to ask yourself if it’s really worth it. There should be good times to offset the bad. This isn't to be confused with going through a rough patch (which can last a while) and it’s tricky to see the difference when you are right in the middle of it all. Just pay attention to how often you have fun together.
- Don’t underestimate counseling. People are living a long, long time. And that’s a long, long time to put up with your partner’s quirks. And life will be good to you and then life will kick your ass. It’s good to know you have someone on your side. And sometimes issues become too big to deal with on your own, and that is why there are counselors. They’ll listen to your version of your battles, they’ll point out what the core problems really are (it’s very rarely only about who’s turn it is to do dishes), and they’ll walk you through ways of working together.
- You will compromise. And you’ll be pissed about it. But that’s how things go. You can’t get everything your way all the time. And if you do, you’ll probably turn into an entitled little jack-ass that no one wants to hang out with, anyway. So pick your battles.
Shesh. These actually aren't so positive. I think most
bridal party things want to hear about butterflies and rainbows. So I may be a
little on the quiet side again this weekend. But that’s what you get after
getting smacked around by life for a while. At least there will be cake!
An Erinku:
air conditioner on
because
I warmed up the apartment
with my energetic dancing
oops
