On Sports

I've noticed that football is a big deal in some parts of the country (say places like Kansas or something). And it got me to thinking about what I know about football. The answer is some, but my brain was too lazy to pull up the details. So I started writing down what I know and figured it would amuse myself and irritate those folks who really care about it.

There's eight or ten, or maybe seven people playing at a time. You've got a quarterback, the catching dude, a couple of frontlines-men, some backends-men, and some siderunners. Hmm. I think that's eight folks playing. The ball is chucked between the knees to the catching dude who starts looking around like a prairie dog, or a meerkat. He may actually be the quarterback. The ball is thrown around, people fall on each other, and running happens.

At some point, something happens and the referee throws his panties on the field. Arguing happens. Sometimes two pairs of panties land on the field. The t.v. commentators get excited and start diagraming geometry problems on the screen. Knowing that the last geometry class I took hurt my brain, I take a potty break. Or I check on the food preparations. Or I get a beer.

There is often talk of yards and something about downs and there is some inverted math problem involved with how many tries each team gets to move forward so much before it's the other team's turn to try. When a team reaches the end of the field, there is much cheering, just like what happens when I play checkers and my checker makes it across the field. However, unlike checkers, the players don't get crowned. They get six points, instead. Which is really a random number if you think about it. Basketball scoring at first seems random, but is actually pretty logical.

Anyway, six points happen, cheering happens, and then sometimes one of the dudes on the team morphs into a kicking dude (or maybe he's a separate dude who is waiting on the sidelines and practicing kicks with the cheerleaders). He shows up, has one leg way more muscular than the other, and kicks a non-round ball through two high-up spokes on a giant fork. Sometimes the football makes it through and then there is more cheering, followed by an enthusiastic round of ass-pats.

The game eventually runs out of time and the team with the most points wins...although, to hear the interviews afterward, the idea of winning because you have the most points seems too difficult for reporters to understand. They always ask things like, "What did you guys do to win?" If the players started answering correctly, the reporters would finally understand and stop asking each time.

Anyway. Football: ass-pats, panties on the field, and me taking frequent snack breaks, which is why baseball calls itself the American sport.

An Erinku:
working on homework
in the meantime
until more
adventures happen